About Me

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I have been married to a wonderful man for 19 years. We were blessed with 2 beautiful daughters who are now teenagers. I homeschool my children and work full time outside of my home. I recently opened my Home Business

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What Drives You?

Good morning.  I pray this finds you all doing well and I want to thank you for taking the time to read my journal post this morning.  My question today is what drives you?  I am a 39 year old wife and mother of 2 beautiful teenage daughters. I got married a year after I graduated high school to a wonderful man I had only known 6 months.  A bit of a rush isn't it?  That's what a lot of people were asking.  A lot were saying we would never make it the 1st year, let alone 5 years.  My husband's parents are divorced, so I had ones in my family who shared with me the statistics of children of divorced parents ending up in divorce themselves.  Seemed like a lot of negativity going into this marriage. :(  Within the 1st year of being married, we were pregnant.  I have never been more afraid to tell my mother anything.  I thought her response would be that we couldn't afford a baby.  Money was tight...I was wrong.  She was estatic and very encouraging.  She told me that if we waited until we could afford children we would never have any.  She is a wise woman and wonderful prayer partner. 
Our 1st baby was still born.  This was the hardest thing I had ever been through in my life.  In high school I had lost several friends to accidents and one to suicide... I was no stranger to grief but this was even harder than that.  I wasn't pregnant alone!!  My cousin was pregnant with me as was my best friend from high school.  It wasn't fair...but it was the hand I was dealt.  I went to a support group meeting where I learned a valuable lesson...MEN AND WOMEN GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY!!  There is truth to "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus!"  There was a gentleman in that support group who had lost a child.  Something he said stuck in my head..."This can tear your marriage apart or it can bring you closer together but that is a choice only you as a couple can make!"  He was right!  The time after losing Lauren was very hard but we stuck together determined to make this marriage work!  I was not going to be a negative statistic and neither was he!  I learned that there were certain things I could handle and certain things I could not. I could not go to the grave and change the flowers, etc.  It was too hard for me.  Many didn't understand this; but whether they understood or not, I had to do what was best for me!
A year later, Autumn [my 17 yr old daughter] was born.  She was a beautiful baby weighing in at 5lbs 5ozs.  She was very alert and attentive from the moment she was born.  Once again...my cousin was pregnant with me. :)
A couple of years later, we had our 3rd child. Austin was born March 28, 1995.  He lived 16 days. He was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome.  Here we were again.  How could we go through this again?  My doctor wanted to put me on medication to help me cope with what we were facing.  I refused.  I told him I couldn't take that medication and raise my daughter. He didn't think I could raise her without it.  I did raise her without it though.  I turned back to the support group who once again helped me tremendously.  This loss was more of a strain on my marriage.  You see, I had been going to support group meetings....but my husband worked night shift and had been at work.  Society tells men they have to be strong and they can't cry...they can't show emotion.  Well, you can only keep emotion built up and hidden so long before it has to go somewhere.  We couldn't get along any more.  Were we becoming that statistic?  Was this just too big for us?  We separated for a month.  He had constant contact with Autumn because it was very important to us both for him to be a part of her life even if we could not live together.  People would make comments like, "He's just like his dad" or something meaning it in a demeaning way because his parents had separated. I would just remind them that he had just buried his second child and that he hadn't dealt with losing the 1st yet.  I still had hope.  He still supported me just as when we lived together.  He paid the bills and made sure Autumn and I had all we needed.  It wasn't that we didn't love each other...there was just no communication. I needed to talk about the children...it was too painful for him to talk about them.  What were we going to do?  After being separated a month, we decided we wanted this marriage to work but it was going to take a lot of work...
In 1997 our youngest daughter, Cheyenne, was born.  I had toxemia and no one knew it until I was in liver failure.  She was a month early and weighed 3lbs 2oz.  She was our little peanut. :)  We decided at this point we had to take some measures not to get pregnant again.  We had had a couple of miscarriages in  between Austin and Cheyenne, and then with the toxemia...it was just too dangerous to get pregnant.  The surviving children we had needed a mother.
Our home has been a 2 income family with me working outside of the home.  It's not that I didn't want to be home with my girls...we just needed the money.  So, 19 years later [after the wedding] we are still married.  We are at a point in our lives where we truly enjoy each other's company.  It's not all physical...there is that emotional bonding that has taken place.  We are untited together in all areas of raising our daughters. We communicate with each other to make sure the other one of us hasn't told them they couldn't do something before we tell them they can.  You know...sometimes kids forget to tell you they have asked the other parent and gotten a "no". :)
Marriage has been a lot of work...not the fairytale life most little girls dream of...but it has had some very good moments in it. Now, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I want to be home with my girls. Yes, one is 17 and one is 13...but it's not too late.  This desire is what drove me to spend a year researching home businesses and deciding a few weeks ago to open mine! I am still outside of the home for now while I build my business...but I am pouring hours into building it so I can come home with them. I may not have been able to be home with my girls when they were small...but we will one day have grandchildren!  {Hopefully we still have a few years on that one though!}
So, what has driven me all of these years?  1. I don't want someone telling me I am going to be just another negative statistic. 2. God blessed me with the ability to help others through my tragedies. 3. I am realizing that you are never to old to dream and see those dreams come true!
Now, if you have been divorced..I am NOT putting you down and I am NOT judging you.  Everything that happens to us, the good and the bad, are for our ULTIMATE GOOD!  It has been allowed by God for our ultimate good and He will not leave us or forsake us.  We all have negativity in our life...but our life doesn't have to stay in that negative state.  When you are feeling depressed...look in the mirror and practice smiling.  Sounds crazy, I know, but IT WORKS!
PS - Why don't you check out my home business by visiting the links below:

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